Naruto Characters in Therapy
by Chrysalis1986
Summary: Poor Hikari Rika, what is a shrink to do when most of her patients are freaking insane? Multiple personalities, unwanted sexual advances and couch related violence abound. Includes Konoha nin and the zombie Akatsuki. Pure crack folks.
1. Session 1  Uchiha Sasuke

Hi all, this is the first part of the series. None of the entries will be very long. I hope the story is coherent to you. If not, review and let me know, so I can add the name tags. This style is something I'm trying, let me know what you think.

Oh and I don't own Naruto.

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SASUKE Session 1

I'm sorry about this, believe me, if there was any other option I would not insist but you can only chidori so many couches before we have to tie you up. Now are you ready to begin or should I take out the drugs?

Go to hell you worthless bitch.

Drugs it is then.

Spongebob narrator voice: 10 minutes later...

And then he tries to kill me...again *sob*. I don't know why he hated me soo much and then he said he loved me! I'm so confused! And always with the stalking! And the flowers and chocolate! *wails*.

Wait are we still talking about Orochimaru? Or is this Itachi?

No, I'm talking about Sakura! Don't you listen? I thought that was your job... You hate me too don't you? No one loves me! Waahh!

*observes rolling waves of snot and tears* Of course I'm listening Sasuke, its just that Sakura is a girl so I was a little confused about the whole statement. So you were saying, Sakura tried to kill you...?

Waaaahhhhh!

*wonders to self: what the hell did Ibiki put in those drugs?*


	2. Session 1 Uchiha Itachi

**Hello everybody! In light of the wonderful reviews I got from three very awesome people I am posting the next part early. Special thank you's are in order to Lalaranya, Hanakolove and Tettsui. (Special note to Tettsui, since I don't know how to reply to reviews yet, I am glad that its clear. I was rather worried that it wouldn't be.)**

**Anyway, on with the...You have something to say Therapist san?**

**I have a name you know...**

**I know...but no one else does...yet.**

**Anyway, before we are further distracted, Chrysalis does not own Naruto though she wishes...futilely, that she could. *glances at me* Done.**

**You're mean...**

**I know.**

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Session 1: Uchiha Itachi

Good day Mr Uchiha, please have a seat.

Where? The couch is on fire.

Well yes...sorry about that. I just finished a session with Shino. If you could use a small water jutsu? ...thanks. Now, you volunteered to attend therapy. I have to say, I was very surprised, pleasantly so, I might add. What do you hope to get out of these sessions?

How is my brother?

... Well I can't really discuss your brother's sessions with you; that would be unethical. Is there something you would like to achieve for yourself from these sessions?

Hn.

What does 'hn' mean, Exactly?

...

You just came here to spy on your brother, didn't you?

...

If you don't have anything, you _personally_ need to work on, I suggest that you leave.

... *Stands up and then sits back down * I have... a problem.

What sort of problem, Mr Uchiha?

I have a tendency to kill people who don't give me the information I seek. *sharingan activates* I believe you can understand why this would be an issue?

Is that a threat?

Tell me what he said and it isn't.

*pulls out timer and places it on table* Tell me 20 things about yourself in 30 seconds and I will tell you everything that happened in your brother's session.

Hn. *Gets up and leaves the room.*

Hn! Thought so.


	3. Session 1 Hatake Kakashi

**Chrysalis, I've been meaning to tell you, you know that you put my name in the story description, right? Hikari Rika...see, right there.**

**Well...you see I had a really long day and i had to study for exams and my neighbour's cat had kittens and the world economy...**

**Never mind. She owns none the the characters here except me...unfortunately. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.**

**and then I couldn't find my favourite pink socks and ... Hikari san are you wearing my pink socks?**

**No...you're hallucinating again. **

**Oh. Alright then...so afterwards *continues for the next hour or so***

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**HATAKE KAKASHI Session 1**

I don't have a problem. Do you have a problem?

No I don't have a problem that I am willing to discuss with my patient. We are here to discuss your issues not mine.

But you do have issues then? I think that since I don't have any issues and you have some that maybe we should discuss yours and get them out of the way first.

I think that the issues that I may or may not have are none of your business. This session is dedicated to helping YOU sort through some of YOUR problems. Now, is there anything you would like to start with?

I don't have any problems. What are your problems with me not having problems? Do you think that maybe one of your issues is making it seem like I have issues when really its just your issue with me not having issues? Then rather than starting with my lack of issues and problems maybe we should start with your issue of my not having issues because that is a problem you are having since I don't have problems and you have several issues.

...

Well?

Go home Kakashi. However, I will see you first thing tomorrow morning...at 7am. If you are a minute late I will have to ask the Hokage to up your number of sessions from 5 to 10 with an increment of one additional session for every hour you are late. Furthermore I am officially requesting that you be removed from active service till we have completed ALL of our sessions together.

...

See you tomorrow morning Kakashi san.

**

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HATAKE KAKASHI Session 2

Yo.

Kakashi you're late.

Well, yes but you see...

No excuses.

But this was a really good one, you see there was a report that...

I don't believe you. Absolutely no excuse you can come up with will excuse you being this late. Do you remember what I told you at our last session?

... You wouldn't really go through with that would you? I mean, really, our appointment was, what? Yesterday? Day before?

It was two weeks ago.

Oh.


	4. Session 1 ? Hikari Rika

**Hello people, A very special thanks to all of you who reviewed and subscribed, I really appreciate it. I am home at last and in celebration I am posting this extra short chapter... ok, sorry folks but I hope you enjoy it all the same.**

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RIKA (aka The Therapist) Session 1

And then the idiot shows up this morning and ruins my breakfast. What the hell is wrong with him? I mean he has so many issues I don't even know where to start! If he was the only problem I would totally get over it by now but then there's Sasuke and Itachi and ... Shino ***shudders*,** I don't know what to do... And now she wants me to try "rehabilitating" the Akatsuki! They're zombies for God's sake! ***facepalms*** I just don't know what to do...

It seems to me that maybe you need to take a little break from your job. Maybe get a massage, go to a party...maybe get laid or something...loosen up a little...

Touch me and die Jiraiya. You know what? I must have been really desperate to talk to you of all people. ***brushes her hair off her face, turns away from him and then turns back*** Thanks for listening though...What did I just say! ***punches him through the ramen stand*.**


	5. Session 1 Sexypants Deidara

DEIDARA Session 1

Why is your hair so long?

...

It's pretty. *Goes over to where he's tied up and sits in his lap* It's so shiny and smooth and it smells nice. Mmmm...you smell nice...

Get away from me, yeah.

What was that? You want to kiss me? You pervert! *slaps him*

Are you drunk or something or just crazy, un?

I'm not drunk...I just had a little 'relaxer'. The Okage said it would make me feel better. You have such pwetty blue eyes...just like Naruto...*cuddles closer wrapping her arms around him* Okaga isn't so bad...*yawn*...smells so ...

What the hell, yeah! *glances down* Well, it could have been worse, yeah. You're not bad to look at. Too bad your crazy, un.

*drools*

Sigh, never mind, yeah.


	6. Session 1: Tobi et al

**Hi all! Sorry for the late posting, my internet conked out yesterday and didn't come back till after 1pm today. Gomen nasai. Hope you guys enjoy this week's entry.**

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TOBI/MADARA/OBITO/IZUNA/FRED Session 1

Rika: Why are you yelling!

Tobi wasn't YELLING!

Rika: YES YOU ARE! SHUT THE HELL UP!

...

Rika: Thank you and sorry about that. I have a headache like you wouldn't believe.

The sight of my sharingan will only be the beginning of your pain!

Rika: I SAID TO STOP THE *Beep* SHOUTING!

Tobi is sorry. Please don't hurt Tobi. Tobi is a good boy.

Rika: Sorry Tobi, I'm not going to hurt you. Sorry for yelling. Anyway, as you all know, we're here to try to reintegrate your other...sides. The Hokage feels that you other personalities are strong enough to keep Madara under control.

Fred: What's in it for us?

Rika: Well, you don't die, how's that for motivation?

Fred: Not very good. So what if Madara dies. What does that have to do with us?

Obito: Fred you're an idiot. We share the same body as Madara or in my case, Madara and you are occupying my body. If one of us dies all of us dies.

Tobi: Obito is sooo smart! Tobi likes Obito! Obito is Tobi's bestest best friend in the whole world...

I will rip your soul from your body and use it to fuel the dark apocalypse!

Rika: Yes and if that fails you will collect the jinchuuriki and use them to turn the moon into a giant sharingan? Right?

Are you mocking me foolish woman?

Rika: Yeah Madara...whatcha gonna do about it?

Madara: Wait, what did I do?

...

Rika: You threatened to rip my soul...

Madara: IZUNA! WHAT THE HELL DID I SAY ABOUT PRETENDING TO BE ME!

Izuna (?): Heh heh heh…sorry neechan…but you went away for a while so I thought I would…you know, fill in.

Madara: Hn! I step out for one minute and I come back to meet everything in chaos. What the hell has been happening here? Who are you woman?

Rika: My name is Hikari Rika, I am a mednin and T and I squad captain.

Madara: I see. Where am I?

Rika: In Konoha at the underground lai…I mean headquarters of T and I. I've been using it since I started having sessions with the Akatsuki.

Madara: Who are the Akatsuki?

Rika: … Madara, how long did you 'step out' for?

I'm not sure. It didn't seem that long, I went to visit the fox summons den. Why?

Who is the current Hokage, as far as you know?

As far as..

Just answer.

Senju Hashirama.

*facepalm*

What?

We are now on the 6th Hokage, Uzumaki Naruto. He took over as Hokage right after the Fourth Great Ninja War…that you started.

…IZUNA!


	7. Session 1 Sai

Hi all! I just want to thank everyone who reviewed and favourited this story. You guys are wonderful! I hope you enjoy this week's chapter. Oh and before I forget, again, I do not own Naruto...if I did, zombies wouldn't die because of self realization.

Session 1 - Sai

So, what brings you here? You're not on the Hokage's list but I can always spare time for a fellow Anbu.

I have a question…

Ok, shoot.

Shoot what?

Just a figure of speech, sorry I meant to go ahead and ask your question.

Oh, then you should have said so.

*starts to get angry* You had a question…

Yes. There is a particular woman who has been approaching me lately. She says she want to %&^* me. I don't really want to do that but she has been very…insistent. I've told her that I find her sexually attractive but too scary to %&^* but she won't leave me alone. I'm not sure how to further repulse her. I've consulted several books on the subject and they say to firmly but politely decline. It does not seem to be working.

I see. Is she a friend or someone who you don't know personally?

She is a friend…of a friend. She has very large breasts...

I see. Is her name Anko by any chance?

Yes...how did you know?

No reason.

What should I do?

You want my advice?

Obviously.

Run away, become a missing nin and never come back.

That is not possible. Is there anything else I can do?

*thinks* ...well, you could just...you know and get it over with.

... That is not possible either. She is scarier that Pretty or the ugly old woman.

Don't call the Tsunade sama that!

I was referring to sakura...

Oh. Well sorry Sai but those are your options.

Hmm...Which would you suggest?

Missing nin, worked for Orochimaru.

...

Let's just say that Anko's crushes tend to have a lot of actual crushing involved.

When do they change the guards, again?

At five, you'd better hurry.

Thanks.

Good luck!


	8. Session 5 Hatake Kakashi

Hey guys, I know I haven't posted anything to this story in a while but to be honest I haven't been coming up with anything good. This is something I've had for a while and I thought that since I had nothing else to add right now, may as well put it up. It's not long but enjoy...

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HATAKE KAKASHI Session 5

Are you ever going to put down that book so we can finally start our session?

Hmm, this is a really good part. Once I'm done with this then...

You'll just start reading another one. Do you think your obsession with this series is healthy, Kakashi san?

Mmm...

How is your sex life? Getting any?

Hmm...

So you're in love with Maito Gai and you want him to have your babies, huh?

Yuhhuh...

And you think that Iruka sensei is the hottest thing since the katon jutsu and you want to hit that?

Hmm...

Right. Kakashi!

*looks up* Yeah?

What did I just say?

That I should...uh...stop reading pornography?

Good guess but no. Give me the book.

*picks up Hikari's magazine from her desk* This book?

No, give me that book, your book, the Icha Icha book you are currently sitting on in an attempt to hide it. Give me that goddamn book now before I take it from you...

*eyes sparking* You can try, Hikari san...You can try...

*growls and pounces*

The smoke cleared as the couch finally burned down to ashes. On one side of the room Kakashi stood panting, feeling the effects of using the sharingan for too long. On the other side of the room the Therapist was leaning against the wall trying to stay upright, holding a hand to a gash on her side (caused by a glass shard from a shattered vase). She watched as he fell to his knees and was suddenly prone. Taking her time, just in case, she made her way cautiously to his side. His regular eye was open but the sharingan was closed. Dropping carefully to her knees, she pulled his hitai ate over it.

How?

*smiling* We all have secrets, Kakashi, now let's see *begins searching him* ah, there it is. You should have just given me the book but noooo, you had to be Mr. Stubborn. *moves to stand*

*grabs her hand and pulls her closer* How?

*smirks* You tell me your secrets and I'll tell you mine...seem fair?

No.

Thought so, hoped not. Oh well. Now that I have you here, I think it's time to check you into our 12 step addiction recovery program.

I won't go.

Go to sleep Kakashi...*he knocks out*

*walks to the door* Oi! Ibiki, I told you I could do it. Where's Anko, I owe her a favour since 'that time' and I know she'll want to be here for this...

Ibiki: For what?

Well, I'm checking Kakashi san into our 12 step program and we can't have him smuggling anything into the center now can we? *smiles evilly*

...

Who knows where he could hide those perverted novels...better to be thorough, you know?

... Right...I'll go find her.

*glances at her victim...I mean, patient...* that was my favourite vase...and *looks around* Goddamit! That's the fifth couch this week!


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